Marriage and Family

“It does not take us long to realize that we do not enter marriage empty handed; we carry a lot of
“baggage” with us. For instance, we bring our levels of self-esteem, our willingness to adapt to change, our attitudes coward life, and our expectations and values.” -Bernard Poduska

I found this quote to be so true. There are many things we bring to a marriage some are good and other things we can improve on. When my husband and I first got married we did many things similarly. Since we were both raised in homes where the gospel was present we shared many beliefs and ways of doing things. In other aspects of our lives we were raised completely differently.

Growing up my family kept the Sabbath Day holy by spending time together and attending church. We would go on vacations throughout the year and if one of the vacation days landed on a Sunday we at times would attend some sacrament meeting, other times we would just carry on our vacation. We would still grab food at a restaurant because we needed to eat. My family always enjoyed having other families and friends over for Sunday dinners and games. We saw all of these activities as good and wholesome, we felt closer together as a family. 

My husband’s family kept the Sabbath Day holy by attending church and reading the scriptures, they also love their Sunday naps. They always scheduled their vacations so that they would be back by Sunday and not have to travel on Sunday. If there was a rare occurrence when they were driving from Idaho back to Utah on a Sunday, they would try to not fill up with gas if possible and would pack sandwiches to prevent eating out. 

Although we grew up in different homes we both had an idea of how we wanted it to be like in our marriage. We agreed on the things that we thought were or were not appropriate for the Sabbath Day. With marriage comes in-laws. I feel that it is important to have a good relationship with your in-laws. There are some things my in-laws did/do that I grew up doing differently, but at the end of the day I think it is important to appreciate and love your in-laws. To make efforts to serve and love them since they are now family.   

My husband and I are having our first baby on Monday and are preparing now for him to come into a loving family. We are excited for him to get to know both sets of his grandparents and aunts and uncles on both sides. Although we will not be anywhere close to perfect parents, we are striving to set aside our own baggage and raise our little boy to be the best man he can be.

In Elder Oak’s talk That We May Be One” he stated, “And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command! “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24)”

In a marriage it is crucial for the husband and wife to cleave unto each other. It is still important for you to show love to your parents and siblings and for your spouse to love their parents, however it is more important to put your spouse first. BY doing this you can show your spouse that they are your priority.  

A few months back my husband and I prayed and felt that we needed to move from Utah to Texas to pursue new career opportunities since my husband had recently graduated and there were no jobs in his major hiring in Utah due to the competitiveness of the market there.  We decided that in Texas there would be more job opportunities and less competition, also we were expecting our first baby soon and wanted to raise him in Texas. We both felt so right about this decision.  It came time to break the news to my in-laws who we lived close by to at the time. When we told them they were understandably sad about the news especially since we would be having their second grand baby soon. However they were tried to convince us that Texas was not where we needed to go and that we had to stay in Utah.

Thankfully my husband and I are very close with each other and put each other first. We decided to stick to our decision and move to Texas, where things have worked out how they were supposed to. I am grateful we have chosen to put each other first in our marriage. 

In your own marriage how do you show to your spouse that you put them first? In what ways do you make sure they know that they are more important to you than anything?

Marriage is like a puzzle. It is important to have all of the pieces in the puzzle for the puzzle to be complete. Intimacy in a marriage is one of those big puzzle pieces that is needed for the puzzle to be complete.

Intimacy, communication, friendship, trust, and faith are a few of those key puzzle pieces. It is important to have faith in God in a marriage, pray together, worship together. Having trust is crucial, you need to be able to trust your spouse and be able to rely on them, that they will be good to their word and honor the promises they made when you got married.

Friendship is also important in a marriage. Without friendship a marriage would be two people who pay bills together and care for children. When the friendship factor is in a marriage you can laugh together, cry together, make jokes together. Marriage can be fun and an adventure.

Communication is needed for marriage to flow a bit more smoothly. When the couple communicates there are likely to be less misunderstandings. A way to help protect each other in a marriage from pornography is by keeping each other and God first. When we do this and do not let our minds wander we can ensure to have a good relationship with our spouse.

Intimacy is one of the most important parts of a marriage. The couple can grow closer together and create a bond with one another. Intimacy gives the couple an opportunity to be vulnerable and to learn more about each other. In the church we believe in saving sexual intimacy until marriage because we know how sacred and powerful it is. Not only to procreate but also to express love. There is a reason God made us the way that he did to be attracted to the opposite sex, to find a spouse and marry them and have the want to be intimate. God wants us to wait until marriage and when we are married he wants us to be faithful to our spouse in our thoughts, feelings, desires and actions. In marriage (and before) it is important to stay away from pornography, to keep and minds clean and to reserve those sexual feelings for our spouse.

Waiting to be intimate until marriage is important because then only you and your spouse will hold that special bond together.

Have you ever felt like there was something going on with your spouse, whether they are feeling down, seem frustrated, or distant? I know I have, and at times it is hard knowing how to approach them or this topic without them getting defensive. In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PH.D, he discussed a few ways you can approach your spouse in a non accusative way. He stated to approach it in a gentle way such as, “Hey, I really feel out of touch with you. What is going on?” This is a great way to open up the communication door in a marriage, if your spouse is going through something or if they have something on their mind this will be a great way for them to open up and discuss it with you. 

In my marriage open communication is key to us getting along and continuing to stay in love with each other. Going through many big life changes as of lately we have had many days with a lot of things on our minds. We have both had off days where one of us is upset or stressed. We have made a big effort to reach out to each other and discuss our thoughts. We have made a habit of going on a 30 minute walk each night. Considering we live with my parents for the time being, going on this walk has been great with giving us couple time. Almost every day we ask each other, “what has been on your mind today?” This has created that gateway for communication because we are good at listening to each other’s thoughts, worries and validating why they feel that way. Or we try to at least see where they are coming from. This exercise has helped us to spend quality time together and to try to understand the other person’s point of view.

What is something you do in your marriage/family to help make sure that the door of communication is open and that everyone feels comfortable enough to be open and share their thoughts?

There was a time when my husband and I were newly weds. We saw eye to eye on pretty much everything. One day we did not see eye to eye on something small. This something small turned into a bigger deal. Before we knew it I was frustrated with him and avoiding him and he was set in his ways. I decided to go on a walk to figure out how to handle the situation. I felt like I needed to call my mom, I told her a bit of what was going on and asked how I should handle it because there were tensions between us. My mom said to go and ask for his forgiveness for getting mad, and find a way to compromise. I went back home and sat down with my husband and apologized for my lack of patience and I threw out a few ways we could compromise on the situation. We ended up forgiving each other and felt like we had never argued in the first place. 

This was the first of my times we have forgiven each other, however we will never forget the closeness we felt after making up. We learned that in a marriage you do not always see eye to eye with each other and that is okay to have differing opinions. Forgiveness is key to making a marriage work.  When you have gotten in an argument with a spouse or close friend how did you feel? You most likely felt frustrated and did not feel kindly towards them. After you resolve the conflict and forgive each other you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

When there is conflict in a marriage I have found that the best thing to do is to serve one another, find ways to show them that you love them and to remind yourself why you fell in love with them. When you are serving one another you are in the service of God. Doing this can help bring a sense of love and peace into your marriage, love and peace in a marriage is essential to have happiness in the marriage. 

Turning towards your partner in a marriage is important. It shows them that they are a priority to you and their thoughts and feelings are important to you. I feel that it is important to think of their wants, needs, and ways you can serve them. My husband and I are 32 weeks pregnant with our first baby. At times while being pregnant it is easy to make it all about me. About how I feel and what I want. I have tried to be more conscious about turning to my husband and see how he is doing, ask him if he is sore and needs a rice pack.

We got into a bad car accident the other night. The other driver was texting and did not see all of the cars slamming on their breaks and ended up rear-ending us. My first reaction was to get out of the car, get a picture of the guy’s license plate incase he drove off (I’ve been involved in a hit and run before) and I told my husband to hurry and call 911. Then my thoughts went straight to my unborn baby. Many thoughts were running through my head, “is he okay? did the seat belt hurt him? what if he doesn’t make it.” In this moment I was so focused on getting insurance taken care of and waiting for the paramedics to get there to check on my baby. I realized I forgot to check on my husband. I forgot to turn towards him and check to see if he needed help. 

My husband and I were both shaken up, but the whole time my husband was on the phone with 911 he was thinking about me and our baby, how we were. After the report was done and the paramedics checked me and our baby, my husband and I had a miscommunication and got a little snappy with each other. I realized we both went wrong, we got worked up with the situation and let ourselves put the blame on each other. When we got home we immediately sat down, apologized to each other, and spent time together as a couple. It was in this moment that we realized even though we were put in a scary situation, we were protected, by some miracle the airbags did not deploy because that would’ve harmed our unborn son. We came turned towards each other in this moment and prayed thanking God we were kept safe even if our car got totaled. 

Turning to your spouse and God during life is crucial. It is important to remember that you are both stressed and to not take it out on each other. Initially after the accident we did not communicate good, and we did not turn towards each other. Thankfully we were able to realize the mistake we had made and turned towards each other.

Sacrifice is an essential part of having a happy marriage. Being able to put your spouse’s needs as a priority. A sacrifice I have been able to make for my spouse is spending some holidays with his family. My immediate family means the world to me, which is why it is hard to spend holidays away from them. I remember my first Christmas home from my mission was also my first Christmas being married. I got home in February 2018 and got married December 2018. I had missed being away from my family for the holidays while on my mission, and was looking forward to spending that first Christmas back with my family. My husband really wanted to be with his family for Christmas, which was just a couple days after our wedding. We ended up not getting to have and honeymoon and I spent Christmas away from my family. To say I was not sad would be a lie, however I found joy in the moment. Even though I didn’t have the Christmas I had dreamed of, I was able to enjoy time with my in-laws and let my husband know he was important by  sacrificing something that was important to me. 

Over the past year and a few months of being married my husband and I have been able to forget about ourselves and put each other first many times. I am not going to say we are perfect at this because we aren’t, however we are continually working on it and finding opportunities to help ease one another’s burdens. 

Marriage should not be about what “I want” marriage should be about love and sacrifice. This does not mean forgetting yourself and your own needs, but at times in marriage the needs of you and you spouse should both be taken into consideration. When you are able to sacrifice and serve one another it helps bring each other closer together and closer to God.

“… that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.” Mosiah 2:17

By serving your spouse you are in the service of God.

This week during the my readings and studies I noticed that Grottman focused a lot on how friendships form the basis of good marriage. I have seen this in both my relationship and in the lives of those around me. My husband and I started out as friends and our relationship grew from there. Now it was rather fast but it started out as friends and we were able to just talk for hours about anything. I actually wasn’t looking forward to our first date but something just clicked and I had a great time. 

We have always been super open and honest with each other, although in my husbands family they never communicated their feelings with each other. He is still working on the sharing his feelings all the time part, since it is new for him. But that honesty has allowed us to communicate our feelings and work through problems. Gottman mentions the Magic Ratio, which means that the good in a relationship must outweigh the bad. I do agree with this but one thing that I have seen is that in some relationships people will tend to focus on the negative things and forget the good times that they have had. I agree that it is important to be happy in a relationship, otherwise why would you be in it. 

Now as has been mentioned earlier about the magic ratio that there will be difficult times. I can attest to that our marriage has had its ups and downs already and we have only been married for thirteen months. We have had conflicts and as Grottman has said you need to find healthy ways to deal with it. One of the ways that we have found is to first just talk about the problem. We have understand where they are coming from and where they stand on the issue before we start to try to solve the problem. One funny example that is pretty simple is our sons name. He wanted to call him Grayson and I wanted Levi, and neither of us would budge but we both talked and gave our reasons why we didn’t like the other name we decided on Everett, then came the middle name. In his family they give the oldest son the fathers first name as his middle name and it is a pretty big tradition and I wanted the name to flow and sound good. Well in talking I realized how big of a deal it was to him and how much it meant to him. So I caved and we are using his name as the middle name.

Marriage does not mean a life of happiness with no effort. Marriage requires much effort and the desire of both spouses to make a happy life. You go through the good times and the bad times together, it is crucial to learn to stick together during the hard moments.

As stated by Elder Bruce C. Hafen

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent”

To have a covenant marriage each partner needs to put in the work. In the time I have been married there have been many hard trials financially, and in other ways. There are different ways my husband and I could have reacted. We have chosen to stick together and lean on each other through the trials instead of turning our backs towards each other.

I have seen contract marriages where they put in the 50 percent, and then I have seen covenant marriages where each partner is putting in 100 percent of the efforts. The couples that put in the 100 percent seem to be happier together, even if they are going through the same trials as the other couple who puts in the 50 percent. This happiness comes from their closeness to God and each other amidst the middle of these trials. Couples who put 100 percent into their marriage are able to put each other’s needs first.

Elder Bednar once stated, “The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily ‘come unto Christ’ and strive to be ‘perfected in Him’ (Moro. 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.”

We must strive to keep our spouse and God in our triangle and not let the trials of life come in-between us

I believe that marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God. We were created in the image of God and one of our purposes is to marry and to procreate. I feel that the world we live is very different then the world our grandparents grew up in. With the change in this world different things are seen as more acceptable in the eyes of the world even though it is not seen acceptable in the eyes of God. 

Same-sex marriage is a topic that is always coming up. I feel that it is important that we teach our children the importance of following God’s commandments. We should teach our children that even though there are people who make choices that are contrary to what we know is the way of God, it is important to see these people for who they are not the choices they choose in life. There are very good people in this world.

I was taught from a young age to not discriminate against others just because they were not members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I grew up in an area where members of my Church were in the minority. My parents taught me to love all of my neighbors no matter what church they affiliated with. They taught me that there of people with hearts of gold in every religion, or non-religious people as well. 

I know the same is true with people who are attracted to the opposite sex or the same sex. There are genuinely amazing people of each preferences. When my family lived in Alabama one of our neighbors was an older gal. She was one of the kindest people I have met in my life. She and her partner had been together for 20 years. One day when she found out that we were members of our Church, she only had positive things to say. She had once been baptized and been a member of our Church as well, even though she chose to go a different path in life she was an amazing lady. We were able to see the good in each other even though we had differing opinions when it came to marriage.